


error 404: that's gay

by gay6, kooob, ultdemo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Asexual Character, But not explicit, Crack, Implied Sexual Content, It's College, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Recreational Drug Use, Texting, Trans Character, everyone has a struggle, this has too many memes i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-09-19 23:16:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17011032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay6/pseuds/gay6, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kooob/pseuds/kooob, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultdemo/pseuds/ultdemo
Summary: baek has added xiuwu, luluwu, #KRI$, xing, jongbae, Kyungsoo., (gay noises), nini bear, myeon, peach, and yeollie to the chat.baek has named the chat ‘120 toes’.





	1. spirit airlines

**Author's Note:**

> this chat fic is a work of fiction and has too many memes. we're sorry.
> 
> please note that ages are altered so the characters can all go to university at the same time.
> 
> starting screen names and about some of the characters:  
> baek: baekhyun  
> xiuwu: minseok, ftm transgender  
> luluwu: luhan  
> #KRI$: yifan  
> xing: yixing  
> jongbae: jongdae, asexual and aromantic  
> Kyungsoo.: kyungsoo  
> (gay noises): sehun  
> nini bear: jongin, nonbinary  
> myeon: junmyeon  
> peach: zitao  
> yeollie: chanyeol

**[15:03]**

 

**_baek has added xiuwu, luluwu, #KRI$, xing, jongbae, Kyungsoo., (gay noises), nini bear, myeon, peach, and yeollie to the chat._ **

 

**_baek has named the chat ‘120 toes’_ **

 

**baek:** this is how i enter my gc

 

**baek:** whats up fuckers

 

**jongbae:** why do you have my phone

 

**baek:** FUCK YOU THATS WHY

 

**yeollie:** it’s too early for this bullshit

 

**myeon:** it’s 3pm chanyeol

 

**yeollie:** ohmygod we get it you have a functioning sleep schedule and get up at 8 like a normal human being fuckyou

 

**peach:**...u ok bud?

 

**yeollie:** FuckYou

 

**_myeon has muted yeollie._ **

 

**myeon:** he will be muted until he behaves.

 

**(gay noises):** who wants their bones cracked

 

**peach:** hun u know i luv u but WHAT THE FUCK

 

**(gay noises):** ew thats gay i luv u too

 

**(gay noises):** anyways

 

**(gay noises):** how else am i supposed to start a conversation

 

**peach:** yeol was right it is too early for this

 

**luluwu:** hun what’s the price for a good Spine Cracking

 

**xiuwu:** lu NO

 

**luluwu:** lu YES

 

**(gay noises):** a nice fresh nickel

 

**luluwu:** hun you’ve got yourself a deal

 

**(gay noises):** *country twink voice* YEEYEE

 

**xiuwu:** sehun please don’t break my boyfriend i Need Him

 

**(gay noises):** you were a horse kid your needs mean nothing to me

 

**_jongbae has unmuted yeollie._ **

 

**jongbae:** SEHUN YOU’RE SO VALID

 

**yeollie:** i beg to differ

 

**(gay noises):** Then Beg

 

**jongbae:** i feel like i just walked in on some deep level gay shit

 

**jongbae:** what goes on on this very day im Afraid

 

**xing:** g-g-gay?!!!???!

 

**xing:** who said THAT?

 

**baek:** i did beech

 

**jongbae:** ugh we get it yixing ur straight

 

**peach:** oof the boys cracking a gay one again

 

**xing:** jongdae. youre aro. and ace.

 

**jongbae:** yea but at least im not straight

 

**jongbae:** and look like a squeegee

 

**luluwu:** i know yall didnt just say this man looks like a mf SQuEEGEE

 

**peach:** weird drag but okay

 

**yeollie:** damn yall didnt need to kill him like that

 

**myeon:** who unmuted chanyeol.

 

**yeollie:** jongdae did BITCH

**myeon:** Belt.

 

**_jongbae has left the chat_ **

 

**Kyungsoo:** There is a plethora of threats in my notifications.

 

**baek:**

****

 

**peach:** yall this man is DEAD

 

**yeollie:** rip jongdae he was tight as fuck

 

**xiuwu:** yo shouldnt someone like actually check on him and makesure hes Ok

 

**(gay noises):** too late i heard the snap

 

**peach:** FUCKDSJSJS

 

**peach:** WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY WOULD YOU KIL HIM LIKE THAT

 

**yeollie:** sehun shut your dumbass up youre at home

 

**yeollie:** 2 hours away from campus ****

 

**peach:** sehun, laying in his bed w a bag of cheetos and his dog: idk what u mean!

 

**(gay noises):** it 𝔈𝔠𝔥𝔬𝔢𝔰

 

**baek:** and legend has it, people heard the snap of junmyeon’s belt from all across the world!

 

**Kyungsoo.:** That is impossible.

 

**baek:** do you Have to ruin all of the fun

 

**(gay noises):** its not his fault its in his programming

 

**(gay noises):** hes an android

 

**Kyungsoo.:** That is also impossible!

 

**baek:** at least he used an exclamation point

 

**baek:** thats the most enthusiastic hes ever been

 

**_(gay noises) has changed Kyungsoo.’s name to Kyungsoo!_ **

 

**Kyungsoo!:** I show emotion of my own volition.

 

**(gay noises):** ….. aight

 

**peach:** hun do you know what that word means

 

**(gay noises):** pfffffffffft yea

 

**(gay noises):** volition definition

 

**(gay noises):** haha wrong tab oops

 

**luluwu:** he really tried it didnt he

 

**yeollie:** reminds me of when soo sent me this

 

**peach:** babysoo…. thats the cutest thing i’ve ever seen…. what the fuck

 

**peach:** also what the fuck does he really just type like that All The Time

 

**yeollie:** yea

 

**yeollie:** you get used to it

 

**yeollie:** although sexting is kinda weird

 

**yeollie:** there’s something about seeing the phrase boy cunt in a grammatically correct sentence that kinda irks me

 

**peach:** CHANYEOL WHAT THE FUCK

 

**luluwu:** …. goodnight class

 

**baek:** soo: Let me see that boy cunt, little boy.

 

**peach:** SBAKDJS IM LEAVING GOODNIGHT

 

**_peach has left the chat._ **

 

**yeollie:** dam

 

**Kyungsoo!:** *Damn.

 

**yeollie:** no

 

**yeollie:**

****

 

**baek:** i like how thats the only thing he got from this experience

 

**(gay noises):** haha thats my Bussy when

 

**baek:** god got him before he could finish his sentence

 

**yeollie:** god took one for the team

 

**_baek has added peach to the chat._ **

 

**luluwu:** also has anyone heard from dae in the last fifteen minutes i wanna be sure that myeonnie didnt Literally Murder Him

 

**(gay noises):** sry my phone died

 

**(gay noises):** he couldnt have Actually killed him he’s in china visiting fans  mom before the term starts

 

**luluwu:** damn thats Gay who tf visits their home country over summer break

 

**peach:** … lots of us

 

**luluwu:** omg imagine ur parents loving u

 

**luluwu:** cant relate!

 

**peach:** they dont pay me we go spirit airlines

 

**(gay noises):** bitch im the pilot we out this bitch

 

**xiuwu:** does spirit even fly internationally?

 

**(gay noises):** they will today bitch!

 

**(gay noises):** passengers please fasten your seatbelt this will be a long fuckin ride

 

**baek:** minseok i like how the only thing youre worried about with this whole situation is if spirit flies internationally

 

**xiuwu:** mom sehun hijacked a plane again

 

**myeon:** that sounds like a you problem

 

**xiuwu:**

****

 

**peach:** me 45 seconds after stepping on the plane

 

**(gay noises):** Sir, there will be No Streaks On This Flight

 

**peach:** fuck the government

 

**peach:** FREE FAN BINGBING

 

**luluwu:** can you say that? i dont feel like you can say that

 

**_(gay noises) has changed their name to Chinese Government._ **

 

**Chinese Government:** We’re coming.

 

**peach:** YOU CANT CATCH ME IF I FLY SPIRIT

  


**[03:17]**

 

**peach:** yall what if i went off the grid

 

**yeollie:** id go with u

 

**baek:** omg what if we all went off the grid together <3

 

**nini bear:** baek you’re a mf fool if u think soo would ever let us Disappear

 

**Kyungsoo!:** im just concerned for you guys

 

**baek:** WHAT THE FUCK

 

**baek:** HES TYPING LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING

 

**baek:** IS NO ONE ELSE AMAZED BY THIS

 

**Chinese Government:** we need to perform a seance to talk to the real ksoo

 

**nini bear:** have yall never talked to him this late

 

**nini bear:** he always does this

 

**baek:** ive never had a reason to?

 

**baek:** i always thot he was a good boy and went to bed at 9:30

 

**nini bear:** we fucking wish

 

**yeollie:** the clock strikes midnight and suddenly soos hat is on backwards and he has seven mango juul pods

 

**Chinese Government:** HIS NIC LEVELS ARE OVER 9000

 

**Kyungsoo!:** mango sucks ass the creme bruule ones are superior

 

**Kyungsoo!:** but i also suck ass so

 

**baek:** 1\. the creme bruule is disgusting who do you think you are 2. WHAG TGE FUCK

 

**Chinese Government:** WHAT THW FUCK GOES ON ON THIS DAY

 

**baek:** soo just called me whore behind my back and then asked for a dick pic

 

**baek:** on skout

 

**nini bear:** i actually met him on skout!

 

**nini bear:** freshman year was rough

 

**baek:** OF HIGH SCHOOL?

 

**baek:** damn were yall really gettin This Bread in mf high school

 

**baek:** 😔

 

**Chinese Government:** what kind of fucking double lives do yall live what the FUCK

 

**nini bear:** contrary to popular belief i was getting No Dick in high school i just thirsted over dumbass bald boys who looked like penguins

 

**nini bear:** and now im out here w two hoes!

 

**Chinese Government:** you Really getting that Puthy now

 

**Chinese Government:** btw i found a cool new up and coming artist

 

**baek:**.

 

**Chinese Government:** _link:_ [ _‘These Heaux by Bhad Bhabie’_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ioilEr3Apw) _on YouTube_

 

**yeollie:** IF YOU DONT GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

 

**peach:** my parents really spent decades saving and doing backbreaking hard work to get my siblings and i over to america for THIS

 

**peach:** i hate yall

 

**baek:** jokes on you your parents are gay and clearly dont love u that much bc they make u fly spirit

 

**peach:**. what the fuck

 

**baek:** was that too much

 

**peach:** nah ur good

 

**Kyungsoo!:** haha Ur mom Gay

 

**baek:** is he on something

 

**baek:** if so can yall slide me some i aspire to be on that level of Fucked Up

 

**yeollie:** all he had was some licorice

 

**nini bear:** i think they were edibles bc im pretty sure hes fucking levitating rn

 

**nini bear:** almost as if its no nut november

 

**baek:** mmm idk fam i think its just licorice

 

**peach:** yall remember when fan tried to Do that last year and myeon threatened to break up w him if he didnt get Dicked

 

**#KRI$:** dont speak of that.

 

**baek:** he said baby u ready to learn about ancient science

 

**baek:** and myeon said NO I DONT WANT TO LEARN HOW TO FUSE METALS

 

**Chinese Government:** FUCKSHAJDNSKSN

 

**Chinese Government:** MYEON COMES HOME AND FANS LEVITATING IN THE LIVING ROOM DOING CALCULUS ON A CHALKBOARD WITH HIS EYES ROLLED BACK

 

**#KRI$:** remind me to never talk to any of you ever again im never leaving china

 

**Kyungsoo!:** mmmmm licorice

 

**yeollie:** yall ksoos been staring at the same poster of bon jovi on our wall for twenty minutes i think he just typed that with his mind

 

**nini bear:** can one of yall come save us we think hes entered the shadow realm

 

**baek:** this is what happens when he goes a week without the boy cunt

 

**nini bear:** jokes on u Bitch he fucked me two hours ago

 

**yeollie:** damn yall just gon exclude me like that

 

**nini bear:** u were asleep n u looked rlly cute but i was rlly horny :(

 

**nini bear:** i’ll give u head later dw <3

 

**peach:** yall cant do this in pm ???

 

**baek:** shh some of us are trying to watch a movie!

 

**#KRI$:** what the actual legitimate fuck goes on

 

**baek:** shut up fan youre just mad you cant get any ass while your mom is in the next room

 

**baek:** now hush i’m watching this nice, family-friendly pg film

 

 

**[04:38]**

 

**xiuwu:** guys i would still like to know if spirit flies internationally?????/

 

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\


	2. identity crisis

**[09:26]**

 

**baek:** yo is anyone else bussin it for a real one this early in the morning

 

**xing:** hihi

 

**baek:**

 

**baek:** shit wrong meme uhhhsgdgdjj

 

**nini bear:** was it though?

 

**baek:** YETH IT WATH

 

**baek:**

 

**nini bear:** IF YOU WANT ME TO NOT INTERRUPT YOUR GAY CONVERSATION WITH BIG DICK OVER HERE WHY ARENT YOU TALKING IN PMS

 

**xing:** what rhe hell

 

**baek:** GET A LOAD OF THSI GUY

 

**nini bear:**

****

 

**baek:** HHHHHHHHH

 

**xing:** i feel like i should leave

 

**baek:** NO

 

**nini bear:** no dont baekhyun wants thy penis

 

**baek:** this is a hate crime

 

**nini bear:** YIXING SHT YOUR BOTTOM BITCH UP

 

**yeollie:**

****

 

**baek:** you of all people should know that jongin is a fuckin bottom bitch themself

 

**nini bear:** oh wow……..oh wow

 

**peach:** why are we talking about bottom bitches this early in the morning

 

**peach:** and to answer baekhyuns question: yes, some of us Are in fact bussin it for a real one on this fine morning

 

**baek:** thank u tao i always knew i could trust u

 

**baek:** and your sketchy ass gay habits

 

**peach:** <3

 

**peach:** yixing: [uncomfortable silence]

 

**xing:** wh what do you mean

 

**nini bear:** u know

 

**_[xing has started a private chat with xiuwu]_ **

 

**xing:** minnie

 

**xing:** can i talk to you

 

**xiuwu:** yea ofc

 

**xiuwu:** are u good??

 

**xing:** yea i think im just

 

**xing:** im confused

 

**xiuwu:** tell me whats goin on bub

 

**xing:** okay so

 

**xing:** ive never really doubted myself before??? ive always been so sure of who i was and what i identified with and just my identity in general you know

 

**xing:** it was never a question before

 

**xing:** but recently ive been so confused

 

**xing:** i feel like i dont know myself anymore

 

**xiuwu:** xing, do you wanna call for a bit?

 

**_[xing has made a call to xiuwu.]_ **

 

“Yixing?” Minseok’s voice was a bit staticky as it came through the phone, marred from the poor connection. Yixing could hear the worry in his tone along with the slight rustling of blankets. Yixing silently cursed himself for disturbing his rest.

 

“Y-yeah, Minnie. I’m here.” The brunette grimaced at the crack in his voice, beginning to pace around the small bedroom he inhabited in his parent’s house. Thank God he wasn’t back in his dorm. 

 

“What’s goin’ on, Xingie? Talk to me.”

 

“I… I just… I don’t know, Minseok. Recently I’ve been so confused? I guess? I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’ve always been so sure and so confident in who I am and what I want and now I’m just so lost and I don’t know what to do.” Yixing had paused his pacing somewhere in the middle of his monologue, substituting the movement for tugging at the roots of his dark hair. His right foot tapped nervously at the wooden floor of his bedroom, making more noise than he cared to be aware of.

 

“Xing, can I ask you a question? Just so I’ll be able to help you out a little better?”

 

“Yeah, of course.”

 

“Is this about Baekhyun? And what Jongin said earlier?”

 

All of Yixing’s movements stopped, his once racing heart suddenly ceasing to beat. He didn’t reply for a long moment, choosing instead to pull his bottom lip between his teeth as his mind ran circles around him. Minseok was right, entirely right, but part of Yixing refused to believe it. The other part however, was elated that it wasn’t only him reading so deep into this. Maybe he wasn’t alone after all.

 

“Yeah...” There was a long pause where Yixing took a breath, willing himself to speak the words into reality, “I think I really like him, Min.”

 

“Then go get him. He likes you too, Xing.”

 

And then Yixing laughed. He laughed so hard his stomach hurt and his cheeks ached, the burn of overexerted muscle only fueling his desire to smile. A few uneasy seconds later, Minseok joined him, adding his own loud giggles to the mix. The two created a harmony of ugly shrieks and far too loud cackles, the morning sun bathing the two of them in warm light. 

 

“God, Min. I just told you that I think I like boys and that’s the only reaction I get? A ‘Go get ‘em, tiger’? What are you, a white baseball dad?”

 

Minseok fought to speak through the remainder of his giggles, his breathlessness even more apparent through the shitty speaker of Yixing’s phone.

 

“What do you want me to do? Text the group chat and make a huge deal about it? Better yet, I could climb my way up to the rooftops and proclaim to the whole goddamn world that  _ Zhang Yixing might like boys!” _

 

Yixing’s laughing fit started all over again. 

 

“Thanks, Min. I might take up that rooftop offer another time.”

 

“’Course, Xing. I’m here for you.”

 

There was a considerable lapse, filled with a silence that was more comforting than awkward. After shifting from foot to foot and anxiously checking outside his door to be sure none of his younger siblings were eavesdropping, Yixing was tempted to ask if Minseok was still there. The elder spoke before he got the chance.

 

“Lu’s glaring at me from the doorway, so I’m gonna go lay back down. Are you good?”

 

Another pause. 

 

“Yeah. I’m good.”

 

“I love you, Xingie.”

 

“Love you too, Min.”

 

And then the call dropped, leaving Yixing in the silence of his childhood bedroom, surrounded by memorabilia of his younger years.

  
  
  
  


\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

  
  
  


**[12:32]**

 

**baek:**

****

 

**jongbae:** no

 

**jongbae:** i dont

 

**jongbae:** thx for asking tho

 

**#KRI$:** i said i was never gonna talk to yall again but

 

**#KRI$:** support me 

 

**#KRI$:** _ link: ‘ _ [ _ B.M. by Kris Wu _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQGKGZdZPCM) _ ’ on YouTube.  _

 

**baek:** yifan who the fuck shot that

 

**baek:** and why the fuck is it available 4k 

 

**#KRI$:** my lesbian friend amber

 

**#KRI$:** from the film department

 

**jongbae:** why does it matter that shes a lesbian? why did u have to say that

 

**#KRI$:** idk it felt right

 

**#KRI$:** i felt like you all would appreciate her more if you knew she liked to eat Puthy

 

**baek:** you were right

 

**baek:** i will give her a high five

 

**#KRI$:** you dont know what she looks like??????????

 

**baek:** ill just look for the lesbian in the film department

 

**#KRI$:** baek,,,,,

 

**jongbae:** theres a lot of lesbians in the film department, baekhyun

 

**jongbae:** its the film department

 

**peach:** lesbians founded the film department

 

**peach:** i would know

 

**yeollie:** youre a psychology major???????????????

 

**peach:** :)

 

**yeollie:** im shaking what does this mean

 

**jongbae:** on some real shit tao scares me sometimes

 

**peach:** good

 

**peach:** but nah i just have friends who major in film lmao

 

**jongbae:** are they lesbians???

 

**peach:** duh

 

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> actual plot? sure, why not. 
> 
> don't get used to it, kids.


	3. [attachment: 1 image]

**[13:17]**

 

**baek:** ok so i found someone in the film department

 

**jongbae:** was she a lesbian?

 

**baek:** im getting to that

 

**baek:** i go up to him and ask him if hes a lesbian

 

**baek:** ofc he says yes hes in the film department

 

**baek:** and he tells me his name is christian and then he walks away

 

**jongbae:** HE???

 

**peach:** omg jongdae dont be rude

  
  
  
  
  
  


**[03:45]**

 

**baek:** yall wtf

 

**baek:** we move back in tomorrow

 

**nini bear:** what the FUCK

 

**peach:** im dropping out and going to clown college

 

**nini bear:** take me with you im already boo boo the mf fool

 

**jongbae:** whatd u do this time

 

**peach:** what Didnt they do this time

 

**nini bear:** …. fuck u

 

**nini bear:** but uh i May have just told my mom that i havent actually been doing premed and that i wanna be a McDancer

 

**baek:** DAM

 

**jongbae:** howd it go???

 

**nini bear:** uh

 

**nini bear:** i dont actually know

 

**baek:** [bass boosted] ??????????

 

**nini bear:** I WAS JUST BACK HOME FOR THE WEEKEND TO GRAB SOME STUFF AND SAY HI TO THE DOGS

 

**nini bear:** SO TOLD HER WHEN I WAS PULLING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY

 

**nini bear:** I WAS SCARED SO I BLURTED IT OUT AND JUST. FLOORED IT

 

**nini bear:** I ALMOST RAN OVER THE MAILBOX

 

**baek:** JONGIN WHAT THE FUCK

 

**nini bear:** LISTEN I WAS SCARED

 

**jongbae:** when was this ????? has she called you since then ????

 

**nini bear:** uh

 

**nini bear:** she called me today

 

**nini bear:** like four times

 

**jongbae:** SO ANSWER HER?????

 

**nini bear:**  NO BITCH IM AFRAID

 

**nini bear:** soo answered the fourth one and said i was sick

 

**yeollie:** hes too soft for ur ass BE A BIG BOY

 

**nini bear:** jokes on you

 

**nini bear:** im not a boy 

 

**yeollie:** u got me there

 

**nini bear:** GOODNIGHT NEW YORK 

  
  
  
  
  


**[21:38]**

 

**peach:** sehun

 

**peach:** oops that was for pm 

 

**Chinese Government:** im on my way

 

**jongbae:** . What The Fuck

 

**peach:** did i stutter

 

**jongbae:** i didnt need this

 

**Chinese Government:** i did

 

**Chinese Government:** brb gonna go supply some  𝐏𝐄𝐍𝐈𝐒

 

**jongbae:** . Anyways

 

**baek:** im tired of this 

 

**_baek has changed Chinese Government’s name to oh (no) sehun._ **

 

**oh (no) sehun:** i take offense to that

 

**_peach has changed oh (no) sehun’s name to oh (yes) sehun._ **

 

**oh (yes) sehun:** u spelled daddy wrong

 

**peach:** i spelt bitch baby just fine what u mean

 

**oh (yes) sehun:** u still want Big Boy or no?

 

**baek:** who the fuck is Big Boy

 

**_peach has changed oh (yes) sehun’s name to daddy._ **

 

**peach:** .

 

**daddy:** *kool aid man voice* OH YEAH

 

**baek:** OH NO.

 

**myeon:** NOT ON MY WATCH

 

**jongbae:** is no one going to talk about the fact that sehun fucking calls his dick Big Boy

 

**Kyungsoo!:** I chose to ignore it.

 

**jongbae:** ok lit ig

 

**daddy:** its ok soo not all of us can have chodes

 

**Kyungsoo!:** [Attachment: 1 Image]

 

**daddy:** ...

 

**daddy:** chanyeol jongin yall feelin okay?

 

**baek:** omg no wonder nini was limping at dance practice

 

**baek:** that relationship still open or….

 

**nini bear:** yeah but not for you

 

**jongbae:** BJDVKBFJDK

 

**yeollie:** what goes on on this day

 

**baek:** bro your bf got a  𝓜𝓞𝓝𝓢𝓣𝓔𝓡 𝓒𝓞𝓒𝓚

 

**nini bear:** BAEKHYUN.

 

**baek:** i say it how i see it chief 

 

**myeon:** this isnt what i signed up for when i sat at the nerdy asians table on the first day

 

**baek:** fuck u im a cool asian

 

**nini bear:** you wish

 

**baek:** where did sehun and zitao go

 

**luluwu:** omg they fuckin

 

**jongbae:** where the fuck did you come from

 

**luluwu:** where do u think minnie and i have been

 

**luluwu:** gotta break in the new bed somehow!

 

**xiuwu:** WE WERE AT FUCKING IKEA YOU WHORE

 

**baek:** YALL FUCKED ON A BED IN IKEA???????

 

**xiuwu:** NO.

 

**luluwu:** yes

 

**jongbae:** i could call the cops rn

 

**luluwu:** but u wont

 

**luluwu:** puthy bitch

 

**luluwu:** thorry i have my retainerth in

 

**baek:** im getting mixed signals here

 

**baek:** who do i believe

 

**jongbae:** not the chinese government

 

**jongbae:** free fan bingbing!

 

**daddy:** you rang?

 

**daddy:** wait thts not my name anymore

 

**peach:** PUT YUOR FCKINH PHONW DOWN ANF FUBK, ME

 

**baek:** omg do u moan out “chinese government” when yall fuck

 

**xiuwu:** i did

 

**jongbae:** in ikea?????

 

**xiuwu:** WE DIDNT FUCK IN IKEA.

 

**jongbae:** oh hes angry now im sooo scared

 

**luluwu:** i wouldnt test him…

 

**luluwu:** one time i pissed him off

 

**luluwu:** he didnt let me fuck him for a Week

 

**jongbae:** i dont see an issue here

 

**baek:** we get it youre ace and dont get blue balls

 

**jongbae:** im putting u on the acephobia blacklist

 

**jongbae:** have fun getting ur degree now Bigot

 

**luluwu:** FUCK

 

**luluwu:** one time xing called me Gay as a joke and our ra heard and threatened to like. Get Him Expelled

 

**jongbae:** omg #ExpelBaekhyun2018

 

**baek:** PLEASE I HAVE A FAMILY TO FEED

 

**jongbae:** is the family ur constant need for attention

 

**baek:** …… yes but fuck u

 

**jongbae:** im typing my strongly worded email to the ra as we speak

 

**jongbae:** kiss ur scholarship GOODBYE

 

**yeollie:** jokes on u baeks rich and his parents pay for him to go to school

 

**baek:** only bc they think im gonna be a lawyer lmao

 

**baek:** jokes on them im learning how to watercolor!

 

**nini bear:** omg ur in watercolor too!!!

 

**jongbae:** that was

 

**jongbae:** oddly endearing

 

**luluwu:** i hated it

 

**jongbae:** same

 

**yeollie:** yall think its endearing but last year they did a watercolor painting of my dick

 

**yeollie:** . Like They Painted My Penis For A Final Project

 

**yeollie:** it was lowkey good tho

 

**yeollie:** soo hung it up on the fridge

 

**nini bear** : i got an A on it

 

**nini bear:** now i see it everyday when i make breakfast

 

**nini bear:** i luv it :-)

 

**jongbae:** yall live like this????

 

**luluwu:** i wish

 

**luluwu:** minnie just comes home and calls me greasy

 

**xiuwu:** in all fairness you look like an Actual Greaseball like 95% of the time bc you never shower

 

**luluwu:** COMMUNITY SHOWERS ARE FUCKING GROSS

 

**luluwu:** WHAT IF I GET A FOOT FUNGUS

 

**xiuwu:** ill luv u anyway

 

**jongbae:** HUH GAY

 

**yeollie:** yall are wild if i got a foot fungus soo would cut off my foot and sell it on craigslist

 

**Kyungsoo!:** I would never...I’d sell it on eBay.

 

**Kyungsoo!:** You at least deserve that much.

 

**yeollie:** . good to know i feel so loved

 

**Kyungsoo!:** <3.

 

**yeollie:** <3!

 

**nini bear:** i wanna be included

 

**nini bear:** <3?

 

**yeollie:** you’re laying in my arms at this Exact Moment

 

**yeollie:** but <3

 

**jongbae:** ha…..gay

 

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @ the chinese government dont come for us


	4. frosted flakes and lunchables

**[08:02]**

 

**#KRI$:** okay which one of you FUCKERS ate my frosted flakes

 

**luluwu:** who else do you fucking live with? 

 

**myeon:** sorry bub i was hungry before my morning run

 

**myeon:** i’ll buy more on my way back

 

**#KRI$:** omg no babe its fine i’ll get them myself

 

**#KRI$:** i love you

 

**myeon:** i love you too bub

 

**jongbae:** i hate gay people

 

**baek:** im putting you on the homophobia blacklist

 

**baek:** say goodbye to your degree. 

 

**jongbae:** jokes on you ksoo put me on that in freshman year

 

**jongbae:** i havent gotten financial aid money in years

 

**yeollie:** are u goin through smthn rn

 

**jongbae:** Im Swimming In Debt, Chanyeol.

 

**yeollie:** i was gonna say ask baeks rich ass for some money but uh…. 

 

**yeollie:** …… me too chief

 

**peach:** oh my god can yall shut the fuck up it’s 8am

 

**baek:** it’s 8:13

 

**_peach has removed baek from the chat._ **

 

**yeollie:** he hung up on her!

 

**peach:** i wont hesitate bitch

 

**yeollie:** is that a threat

 

**_xing has added baek to the chat._ **

 

**baek:** i RISE

 

**baek:** bless whichever kind soul brought me back

 

**yeollie:** yixing: [silence.]

 

**jongbae:** damn he really just lurks to protect his thot

 

**baek:** fuck u dae thats Gay

 

**jongbae:** …. maam

 

**yeollie:** xing is the only gay that dae supports

 

**xing:** uh  who said i was gay!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**xing:** min did you say something to the gc

 

**xing:** .

 

**xing:** FUCK

 

**yeollie:** OH SHIT

 

**_xing has left the chat._ **

 

**jongbae:** YIXINFDHSJJD

 

**yeollie:** damn he hung up on HIMSRLF

 

**xiuwu:** oh no

 

**xiuwu:** please dont make this worse for him

 

**xiuwu:** ill be back

  
  


**_[xiuwu has made a call to xing]_ **

 

“Xingie?”

 

Muffled coughs could be heard through the phone, weighed down by heavy tears and a light voice in the background. Yixing was clearly trying to compose himself, his sniffles and hiccups refusing to go unnoticed. Minseok’s heart ached for him, left alone to deal with such an unexpected outing. He’d been in the same situation years before, and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

 

“Xingie, are you okay? No, that was a stupid question. Are you…” Minseok trailed off, pausing to listen closer to the scene on the other end of the call. Faintly, behind Yixing’s sniffles and the throaty sounds of his sobs, a voice could be heard. It took him a few moments to realize the voice was talking to Yixing, consoling him softly.

 

“Who’s that, Xing?”

 

A short sniffle. “Oh, uh, Baekhyun came over. He brought me a half-eaten nacho lunchable and a popsicle. It was kinda melted, though. It was still good.”

 

Minseok paused, and then blinked once. Pulling his head back to stare at the screen of his phone for a moment, he blinked a second time and opened his mouth to speak. 

 

“Baekhyun brought you a lunchable? And a popsicle?”

 

“Yeah. The lunchable kinda sucked but it’s the thought that counts, y’know?”

 

“Baekhyun lives on the opposite side of campus. How did he get to you so fast?”

 

“He said he was already at the library, but I don’t know if that’s true because he’s sweaty as hell and kind of smells like pot. I think he ran from his place.”

 

There was a short pause, in which Yixing gave Baekhyun a reassuring smile and deflected the younger’s snarky comment about his apparent stench, and Minseok pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a heavy sigh. The things Byun Baekhyun would do for love.

 

“Do you need to talk about it? Or are you good with him?”

 

“I think I’m good with him, Minnie. I’ll call you later, okay?”

 

“M’kay. Love you, Xingie.”

 

“Love you too, Min.”

  
  
  


**[09:31]**

 

**daddy:** am i the only one who just saw baekhyun sprint across campus with a fucking lunchable in one hand and a melted ass popsicle in the other

 

**daddy:** im in fucking sociology and i saw his bitchass usain bolting across the courtyard

 

**yeollie:** no i saw him too

 

**yeollie:** but what kind of lunchable was it

 

**xiuwu:** it was a nacho one

 

**yeollie:** ???? how do u know that??????

 

**xiuwu:** he was a xings when i called

 

**xiuwu:** apparently he Sprinted across campus to get to him

 

**daddy:** that is some Gay Shit if i do say so myself

 

**daddy:** am i right jongdae

 

**jongbae:** i think its sweet

 

**daddy:** … the one time i need you to be homophobic

 

**jongbae:** i may be a homophobe but im not heartless

 

**jongbae:** u right tho Fuck Gay People

 

**daddy:** Heavy Sigh

 

**myeon:** is yixing okay??

 

**daddy:** idk but hes gay

 

**daddy:** that seems pretty good to me

 

**jongbae:** sehun does it ever occur to you that maybe you should just like. Think Before You Speak

 

**daddy:** now that i Think abt it

 

**daddy:** No.

 

**jongbae:** but thats after you spoke

 

**daddy:** fuck u

 

**jongbae:** acephobic.

 

**myeon:** . anyways can someone please confirm that xing is in fact alive and well

 

**xiuwu:** i did

 

**xiuwu:** hes okay

 

**myeon:** good

 

**luluwu:** baeks good too he donated his breakfast to the Yixings Having A Crisis Foundation

 

**#KRI$:** why the fuck was he eating a nacho lunchable and a popsicle for breakfast

 

**baek:** not all of us can afford frosted flakes you privileged fucker

 

**#KRI$:** MY STUDENT LOANS WILL LAST UNTIL IM FUCKING SIXTY. I BOUGHT THOSE FROSTED FLAKES ON SALE FOR $2.37

 

**baek:** oh shit where i want some

 

**baek:** thats a bargain

 

**#KRI$:** sucks to suck i bought the last box

 

**myeon:** he was very proud of himself for snatching it before a ten year old could

 

**#KRI$:** okay first of all she was at least eleven

 

**#KRI$:** second of all i EARNED that shit im poor and in college

 

**#KRI$:** she had it coming

 

**daddy:** whatever u need to tell urself to sleep at night

 

**myeon:** in his defense she did kind of look rich

 

**myeon:** she was wearing an american eagle shirt

 

**daddy:** was she white

 

**myeon:** yea

 

**daddy:** oh yea shes rich as fuck

 

**daddy:** fuck her

 

**jongbae:** yall stop being mean to jongin

 

**jongbae:** its not their fault theyre white

 

**daddy:** BDJSJSJSKSJ

 

**nini bear:** okay fuck you

 

**_baek has added xing to the chat._ **

 

**baek:** yixing’s okay!!

 

**xing:** i’m okay!!

 

**daddy:** and he’s gay!!

 

**myeon:** SEHUN

 

**jongbae:** Another Loss For The Ace/Aro Nation.

 

**baek:** anyways

 

**baek:** someone buy me a lunchable im hungry

 

**yeollie:** We’re Poor, Baekhyun.

 

**baek:** UM yifan saved two dollars on those frosted flakes he can spare some coin and pass me a lil ham & cheese

 

**#KRIS:** do not bring me into this

 

**baek:** okay, Rich Man

 

**#KRI$:** i have one dollar and forty cents to my name

 

**baek:** a lunchable is one dollar and thirty-nine cents

 

**myeon:** he’s got you there, babe

 

**#KRI$:** he can buy his own damn lunchable ???

 

**xing:** baekhyun i’ll buy you a lunchable

 

**baek:** :D

  
  


**[02:49]**

 

**daddy:** can i share some knowledge with yall

 

**daddy:** even if it makes me sound like a dumbass stoner

 

**jongbae:** Yes

 

**daddy:** smoking out of a bong requires all four of the elements

 

**peach:** how does it require earth

 

**jongbae:** ……… do u know what a leaf is

  
  
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\


	5. abstinence

**[04:08]**

 

**baek:** i found an updated version of my favorite picture on the internet

 

**baek:**

****

 

**yeollie:** go the fuck to sleep

 

**baek:** a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍a̘̫͈̭͌͛͌̇̇̍ No

 

**yeollie:** . ive never been so genuinely afraid of a single line of text

  
  
  


**[13:49]**

 

**daddy:** zitao when are you coming home

 

**peach:** idk i’m buying clothes with luhan

 

**daddy:** how long will that take?

 

**luluwu:** we cant find them

 

**peach:** yeah theres only soup

 

**daddy:** what do you mean theres ONLY soup

 

**peach:** it means there’s Only Soup

 

**daddy:** well then get out of the soup aisle????

 

**peach:** okay

 

**peach:** there’s more soup

 

**luluwu:** only soup

 

**daddy:** try the next aisle

 

**luluwu:** more soup

 

**daddy:** ? where are you guys

 

**peach:** we’re at Soup

 

**daddy:** what.

 

**peach:** we’re . at. Soup

 

**daddy:** no what Store are you in

 

**luluwu:** we’re at the soup store

 

**xiuwu:** WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE

 

**peach:** FUCK YOU

  
  
  


**[18:19]**

 

**baek:** yall

 

**baek:** i think zitao just fucking died

 

**yeollie:** .

 

**luluwu:** .

 

**#KRI$:** .

 

**Kyungsoo!:** .

 

**baek:** dam

 

**baek:** none of yall care??

 

**yeollie:** nah

 

**baek:** Dam ok

 

**daddy:** im balls deep in tao rn

 

**yeollie:** IN HIS DEAD BODY ?????????????

 

**jongbae:** ew thats necrophilia 

 

**baek:** Jongdae Kim, you have been added to the Necrophilia Blacklist.

 

**yeollie:** omg does that exist

 

**baek:** idk probably

 

**jongbae:** it do i just got the email!

 

**daddy:** [Attachment: 1 Audio File]

 

**daddy:** he’s alive!

 

**peach:** WWHHO  GGAVE YoU TTHE  RIGHTTb

 

**peach:** PUT YOUR PmHONE  D OWNN

 

**baek:** WHY IS HE SO LOUD

 

**yeollie:** SHUT HIS ASS UP P L E A S E 

 

**daddy:** i’m trying :)

 

**jongbae:** sehun why do you use your phone during sex

 

**daddy:** i need to stay caught up on current events

 

**peach:** the only current event you need to be caught up on is my Bussy™ 

 

**baek:** why did he suddenly type perfectly 

 

**daddy:** i pulled out.

 

**myeon:** pulling out is not a valid form of protection! 

 

**jongbae:** The Only True Form Of Protection Is Abstinence 

 

**baek:** SHUT UP YOU FUCKIGN VIRG

 

**jongbae:** The Acephobia Blacklist Looms Overhead

 

**baek:**

 

**peach:** how to get cum out of the crack in your phone screen

 

**peach:** wait this isnt google fuck

 

**baek:** oh my god

 

**jongbae:** yall wonder why im ace

 

**yeollie:** hey google how do i delete my memories

 

**baek:** come here i’ll hit you with a baseball bat

 

**nini bear:** you will do no such thing

 

**baek:** WHERE DID YOU COME FROM

 

**nini bear:** the vape shop off campus

 

**Kyungsoo!:** i needed more creme bruule pods

 

**baek:** . FUCK

 

**daddy:** ITS NOT MIDNIGHT YET

 

**Kyungsoo!:** it is somewhere

 

**Kyungsoo!:** daddy had a bad day

 

**daddy:** no i didnt wtf 

 

**daddy:** “i had a great day” - the real daddy here

 

**Kyungsoo!:** do i need to send that picture again

 

**daddy:** no, Sir

 

**baek:** never in my life have i been more afraid of kyungsoo than i am rn

 

**jongbae:** this is some 50 shades of grey mess right here

 

**xing:** do not Ever bring up that embarrassment to the bdsm community ever again

 

**luluwu:** he lives

 

**baek:** i can’t believe yixing has read 50 shades of grey

 

**jongbae:** i made him popcorn read it with me

 

**yeollie:** ...why

 

**jongbae:** i had to read it for my sex ed class

 

**yeollie:** i highly doubt that

 

**xing:** its true

 

**xing:** prof smith is a Tad Bit Wild

 

**baek:** question

 

**jongbae:** answer

 

**baek:** why did you take sex ed

 

**baek:** if you’re ace

 

**jongbae:** i like to be well informed

 

**baek:** ...okay then

 

**nini bear:** thats oddly valid

 

**#KRI$:** we love our sexually informed king

 

**baek:** . Excuse Me, Sir?

 

**yeollie:** what the fuck go on

 

**#KRI$:** am i not allowed to talk in the chat

 

**baek:** no ur not

 

**baek:** you dont have rights

 

**baek:** you’re taller than 6’0, therefore,

 

**#KRI$:** shut up, garden gnome

 

**baek:** BOLD OF YOU.

 

**daddy:** haha fuck yall im 6 flat

 

**peach:** yet, somehow, you still dont have rights

 

**daddy:** babe, please

 

**peach:** no.

 

**daddy:** not even one (1) right

 

**peach:** No.

 

**daddy:** alright

 

**baek:** is this how yall argue all the time

 

**daddy:** no.

 

**baek:** ….okay

  
  


**[00:00]**

 

**daddy:** happy new year!

 

**baek:** it’s september

 

**daddy:** then why did zitao kiss me 

 

**baek:** BECAUSE YALL ARE DATING???????/

 

**daddy:** uh...no we’re not

 

**peach:** . we’re not?

 

**daddy:** no???

 

**yeollie:** …..oh god

 

**nini bear:** HAS ANYONE TRIED THE CHICKEN

 

**nini bear:** I THOUGHT THE CHICKEN WAS LOVELY

 

**yeollie:** no but the rice was good

 

**peach:** oh.. okay

 

**daddy:** we talked about this.

 

**peach:** you were high off your ass what was i supposed to think

 

**daddy:** oh /I/ was high off my ass? what about you?

 

**peach:** what are you accusing me of.

 

**baek:** guys…

 

**daddy:** you were just as high as me. don’t act like a fucking angel.

 

**peach:** that’s bullshit?????

 

**daddy:** YOU’RE bullshit.

 

**peach:** amazing comeback.

 

**yeollie:** guys.

 

**peach:** your dick isnt even that good anyway

 

**baek:** oh… my god?

 

**daddy:** then why do you keep telling me im the best youve ever had?

 

**peach:** apparently we’re both good liars.

 

**xiuwu:** can we please calm down

 

**peach:** dont tell me to fucking calm down do you not see the shit hes pulling

 

**xiuwu:** can yall at least not do this in the gc?

 

**peach:** could you just shut the fuck up perhaps

 

**daddy:** THE SHIT I’M PULLING?

 

**daddy:** DONT TELL MINSEOK TO SHUT UP 

 

**peach:** dont tell me what to fucking do

 

**peach:** since youre not my fucking daddy anymore

 

**baek:** FUCK

 

**peach:** sehun. we, whatever “we” were, are over.

 

**daddy:** fine by me.

 

**_peach has left the chat._ **

 

**daddy:** fucking bitch.

 

**myeon:** sehun.

 

**daddy:** WHAT.

 

**yeollie:** why do we suddenly talk like soo.

 

**Kyungsoo!:** leave me out of this dude

 

**baek:** did you just call chanyeol “dude”

 

**myeon:** now isnt the time

 

**myeon:** sehun you need to apologize to tao

 

**daddy:** literally for what reason

 

**myeon:** scroll up

 

**daddy:** i see nothing in particular

 

**_luluwu has changed daddy’s name to bitch boy._ **

 

**bitch boy:** excuse me?

 

**luluwu:** i said what i said

 

**yeollie:** i second this name change

 

**baek:** third

 

**jongbae:** ? why does sehun need to apologize

 

**xiuwu:** you’re joking right

 

**jongbae:** if sehun never said they were together then they Weren’t Together

 

**xiuwu:** but if they never had an actual Sober Conversation about it then how could either of them be sure?

 

**#KRI$:** but if sehun and tao both remember the conversation there’s no issue here

 

**luluwu:** yifan are you on something right now?

 

**#KRI$:** im not on anything dipshit im being realistic

 

**#KRI$:** they had a conversation and came to a decision  

 

**baek:** who said either of them were in their right mind? 

 

**jongbae:** okay but even so they never confirmed themselves as a couple so

 

**bitch boy:** suddenly jongdae and yifan are the only ones i trust here

 

**jongbae:** sehun shut up before i switch sides

 

**luluwu:** ?????? an official statement isnt needed ???? sehun was leading tao on ????? this isnt a fucking press conference ????????

 

**#KRI$:** this is stupid. sehun isnt in the wrong

 

**#KRI$:** goodnight.

 

**luluwu:** stop running from your problems cunt

 

**#KRI$:** excuse me?

 

**luluwu:** Stop Running From Your Problems, Cunt.

 

**luluwu:** goodnight :)

 

**nini bear:** …i thought the chicken was lovely

 

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip taohun ???? perhaps.


End file.
